Borrowing Calm: How Children Learn Regulation

Raising kids is simultaneously rewarding, overwhelming, overstimulating, joy-filled, and terrifying—often all in the same day. In the trenches of parenting, caregivers are not only trying to raise kind, capable humans, but also juggling sleep schedules, nutrition, education, social skills, emotional development, and basic life skills. It’s no wonder so many parents feel like they’re living in constant survival mode.

In this challenging environment, it's important to remember that children are like little mirrors. Their nervous systems absorb and reflect what they experience from their caregivers. Have you ever found yourself just as upset as your tantruming toddler, unsure how things escalated so quickly, until you’re both crying? This isn’t a failure of parenting, but rather simple biology.

Before children can learn to self-regulate (a skill essential for adulthood), they must first experience co-regulation with a trusted adult. Through repeated experiences of being soothed, understood, and guided, a child’s nervous system learns what safety feels like and how to return to balance.

Before diving deeper into co-regulation and self-regulation, it helps to clarify what regulation actually means. A common misconception is that being regulated means being calm all the time. This isn’t realistic or healthy. Big emotions are appropriate in big situations. Regulation is less about eliminating emotions and more about helping the nervous system meet the demands of the moment so we can function, connect, and support our well-being.

Regulation can look many different ways: deep breathing, going for a run, stretching before a workout, venting to a coworker, or having a good cry. It can also mean asking for help, walking away from an argument, or waiting your turn in line. There isn’t one “right” way to regulate, but children learn how by watching and being supported by the adults they trust.

From a developmental standpoint, all humans begin life relying entirely on co-regulation. At birth, a baby’s temperature is regulated through physical contact, with a caregiver’s body adjusting to help the baby reach a healthy state. Even within the first few months, infants are sensitive to the emotional tone around them and may respond to loud voices or tension by becoming distressed themselves. They are soothed through gentle movement, warmth, and responsive care.

As children grow into toddlers, they begin learning simple social rules, but emotional meltdowns and impulsivity are still developmentally appropriate. Over time, and with consistent support, they gradually develop skills like waiting their turn, sharing, following directions, considering another person’s perspective, and adjusting their emotions and behavior to match the situation.

Teaching these skills starts with modeling and narrating the behaviors you want to see. Even preschool-aged children can learn from hearing a caregiver say, “I’m feeling frustrated right now. I’m going to take a short break and come back when I feel calmer.” Preparation can also be a powerful tool, especially before situations where dysregulation is more likely. For example: “When we go into the library, do we use our outside voices and feet, or our inside voices and feet?”

It's also important to find strategies that help you regulate, whether your child sees you doing them or not. Remember, kids' nervous systems respond to their caregivers' nervous systems. If you help yourself stay regulated, you're already halfway to helping your child learn how to regulate.

One important note for toddlers: when a child is already in the middle of a meltdown, words often make things worse. In these moments, getting down to their level, staying calm, and acknowledging their feelings without trying to fix or lecture can help shorten the tantrum. At the most basic level, just like adults, kids want to feel seen, safe, and understood.

Learning regulation is not something anyone is meant to do alone. While emotional ups and downs are a normal part of development, extra support can be helpful when dysregulation feels persistent or overwhelming.

You might consider seeking professional support if:

• Tantrums or emotional outbursts are frequent, intense, or lasting longer than expected for your child’s developmental stage

• Your child struggles to recover after being soothed or seems easily overwhelmed most of the day

• You find yourself feeling constantly on edge, burned out, or reactive despite your best efforts

• Parenting feels more stressful than rewarding most days

• Past trauma, anxiety, depression, or major life transitions are impacting your ability to feel regulated

Working with a therapist—especially one trained in child development, play therapy, or trauma-informed care—can provide guidance, relief, and practical tools.

Co-regulation isn’t about getting it right every time or staying perfectly calm as a parent. It’s about offering your nervous system as a steady anchor while your child’s system is still learning. Over time, these moments build the foundation for self-regulation, resilience, and emotional health.

If parenting feels exhausting and dysregulating, that doesn’t mean you’re failing. It means you’re human, raising a human. With support, awareness, and compassion for yourself, regulation becomes less about control and more about connection, and that connection is what helps both you and your child return to balance.