Posture of Curiosity
It is very easy to make assumptions about the people we love.
Our child has been unusually irritable lately, and we assume they're being difficult or choosing to be snappy. Bedtime has become a battle, so we conclude they're testing our limits. Our partner snaps at us over something small, so we assume they're angry at us. We find ourselves unusually short-tempered, and we can't explain why.
Sometimes our assumptions are right, or at least close. Most of the time, though, we are reacting to our interpretation of a situation, rather than taking more time to understand what could actually be happening.
What might change if, instead of jumping to conclusions (which are usually negative), we took on a posture of curiosity?
A posture of curiosity means approaching situations in life with the humility to say we don't know everything about what is going on and there may be more to the story than what we can see or what we are interpreting through our own limited lens. Rather than immediately assigning meaning to someone's behavior, we pause long enough to ask more questions and seek more information.
This is especially important when it comes to children, who do not have the words to verbally express their emotions, communicate their needs, or make sense of their experiences. A child who has suddenly become more irritable might be struggling with a change at school, tension in a friendship, or a need for more connection at home. A child who is having difficulty falling asleep might be overtired, anxious about something the next day, or going through a developmental transition. A change in appetite might reflect something as simple as a shifting routine or something that deserves closer attention.
It's important to remember that we are not searching for ways to excuse behavior. But, how we identify and make meaning of something shapes how we choose to respond to it. We can hold boundaries and remain curious. We can acknowledge that a certain behavior is not acceptable and still seek to understand what contributed to it.
Curiosity is not just a skill we use with our children. It becomes a habit that we cultivate in ourselves. The more often we respond to a situation with frustration and judgment, the more familiar that response becomes, and the quicker our brain will reach for that response. We begin to interpret inconveniences as personal offenses, assume the worst of others' intentions, and react before we fully understand a situation.
But the same is true in the other direction. The more often we practice pausing, asking more questions, and considering other contributing factors, the more accessible we make that response the next time we encounter something challenging.
We start asking about our children, What might be causing this meltdown? Are they hungry, thirsty, overtired, not eating well, or not being heard? We start being curious about our partner's irritability that could be caused by a burden we do not see. We start turning our curiosity inward: Why am I acting in a way that I do not want to? Am I overstimulated? Worried about something? Tired? Feeling unsupported? We start wondering about what needs are not being met, and how those needs can be fulfilled.
A posture of curiosity does not mean that we will always be patient, gentle, and understanding. Parenting is hard and demanding, and we will sometimes react in a way we don't want to before we've had a chance to reflect. But it's never too late to be curious. We can turn toward curiosity after everyone has had a chance to cool down, and move toward solving the concern together.
The next time your child surprises you with a new behavior, struggles with a familiar routine, or seems to be having a harder time than usual, try pausing before settling on an explanation. Notice what you are telling yourself about the situation. Consider what else might be true. Ask a gentle question, observe a pattern, or make a small adjustment and see whether it helps.
When we approach one another with curiosity, we are less likely to let our assumptions dictate our responses. We become better equipped to address the real problem, rather than simply reacting to the behavior in front of us. We may not be able to choose every feeling or first reaction that arises within us, but we can practice choosing what comes next: judgment or curiosity, assumption or understanding, frustration or a willingness to look a little deeper.
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