What Does Safety Feel Like to a Child?
October is recognized as Domestic Violence Awareness Month, a time to remember those affected by domestic violence, to appreciate those who care for them and work to promote safety in families, and to raise awareness about resources in our community.
Domestic violence impacts every individual in the family, including children. Children experience safety through the relationships in their lives from the very beginning. As they grow and develop, they become increasingly observant of the people and environments around them, taking on and reacting to the emotions of the adults in their lives, whether it is fear and unpredictability, joy and playfulness, or anything in between.
Kids respond to tough environments in many different ways. Some become more withdrawn and anxious. Some become angry or aggressive. Some may become sad and emotionally sensitive. Some may try to control everything and everyone around them as a way of creating a sense of predictability or control when their environment feels unpredictable. Others may become extremely compliant, constantly watching the adults around them and trying to avoid doing anything that might cause conflict.
We know that behavior is communication, and sometimes behaviors are telling us to get curious and pay attention to what a child may be trying to tell us. A child who is struggling at school, having frequent emotional outbursts, becoming unusually quiet, or having difficulty sleeping may be communicating that something feels difficult or overwhelming. This does not mean that every change in behavior is a sign of domestic violence. Children respond to many different kinds of stress. But when we notice a change, curiosity can be more helpful than immediately labeling the behavior as “good” or “bad.”
It is easy to think that simply telling a child they are safe when they are in a safer environment should be enough for them to feel safe. But kids do not learn through words alone. They learn through repeated experiences of supportive, responsive, predictable relationships with the safe adults in their lives.
For a child who has experienced domestic violence, learning to feel safe again can take time. Even after the immediate danger has passed, a child may continue to be watchful or sensitive to raised voices, conflict, changes in routine, or signs that an adult is upset. Their nervous system may have learned to look for danger, and that response does not necessarily disappear simply because the environment has changed.
This is where safe relationships can make such an important difference.
Safety can look like a caregiver who follows through on what they say. It can look like predictable routines, calm and consistent responses to big emotions, and adults who make space for children to ask questions without making them responsible for adult problems. It can look like a teacher, therapist, family member, or other trusted adult who notices a child is struggling and provides a steady, supportive presence.
Children also need to know that they are not responsible for managing conflict between adults. They should not have to protect a parent, keep secrets, choose sides, or try to prevent an adult's anger. Those are adult responsibilities. A child's job is to be a child.
Healing does not always happen quickly, and it rarely happens because of one conversation. Just as children can learn fear and unpredictability through repeated experiences, they can learn safety through repeated experiences of being heard, protected, respected, and cared for.
At The Kid's Therapy Center, we believe that understanding a child's behavior means looking at the whole picture: the child, their relationships, their environment, and the experiences that have shaped them. When we create spaces where children feel safe, seen, and supported, we give them opportunities to develop healthy relationships and a stronger sense of security.
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