Regulation Starts with You

Imagine you come home after a frustrating day at work. You see your partner and begin venting—your hands gesturing wildly, your voice rising, your face flushed with emotion. In response, your partner sighs and says, “Just calm down, you’re fine,” before walking out of the room. Or perhaps they launch into a list of things you should have done differently.

How would you feel in that moment? Dismissed? Alone? Invalidated?

Now imagine your partner responds differently: “Wow, that sounds like a really frustrating day. I’m sorry you had to deal with that. Looks like you might need a minute—can I get you a glass of water?” Your situation hasn’t changed, but now you feel heard and supported.

This is co-regulation in action—between two adults. Now imagine how much more our children need this kind of calm, connected presence when they are overwhelmed. Kids often “borrow” from our regulated nervous systems as they learn to manage their own big feelings. In fact, most emotional regulation skills in childhood are caught, not taught. Children learn by watching how we respond to stress, conflict, and emotion.

If we want our kids to grow into adults who can manage their emotions effectively, it starts with us. So what does co-regulation actually look like in real, messy parenting moments?

1. Validate feelings first, problem-solve later. “You’re really angry that your tower fell down!” or “It was so hard to leave the park, huh?” Helping a child feel understood is the first step to calming their nervous system.
   

2. Narrate your own regulation strategies. Say out loud what you’re doing to calm yourself: “I’m feeling a little overwhelmed, so I’m going to take a deep breath,” or “Let me get a drink of water to help me stay calm.” You’re modeling emotional awareness and healthy coping.
   

3. Create emotional safety. Use a calm tone, soften your facial expression, and get down on your child’s level. Offer a comforting touch, a hug, or even something squeezable like a stuffed animal or pillow.
   

4. Know when to step away (safely). If you feel yourself getting dysregulated, it’s okay to take a brief pause. Say something like, “I need a moment to calm down so I can help you better,” and return when you’ve reset.
   

5. Remember: a dysregulated brain can’t learn.In moments of emotional overwhelm, the thinking part of the brain is offline. This isn’t the time for lectures or logic. Calm connection comes first. Teaching can happen later.

When we respond to our children with calm presence instead of reactivity, we teach them by our example how to manage strong emotions. Co-regulation doesn’t mean being perfect. It means staying connected, even in the chaos. The more we practice regulating ourselves, the more we help our children feel safe, seen, and supported.

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