Understanding Your Child's Love Language

When it comes to young children, under the age of about 10, parents often find themselves needing to be “Love Language Detectives.” Children at this stage are still developing their emotions and language, and they often can’t yet articulate how they feel most loved. Instead, they show us through their behavior, reactions, and preferences.

Gary Chapman’s concept of the Five Love Languages was originally developed for adult relationships, but they also apply beautifully to children. However, because children are still growing and changing, their preferred love language may not be fully formed yet. That said, most children will begin to show some tendencies, and tuning in can help us love them more effectively.

Below are some clues to help you uncover what your child’s primary love language might be. Keep in mind that it’s normal for kids to appreciate all five love languages, but one or two may stand out more strongly.

1. Quality Time

These kids thrive on undivided attention. You might notice that your child lights up when you sit down to play a board game or just spend time building LEGO together. They may frequently ask, “Will you play with me?” or “Can we do something together?” Even 10–15 minutes of focused, uninterrupted time a day can make a huge impact.

Clues:

• Prefers one-on-one activities over group play.

• May act out or seem emotionally “off” when parents are busy or distracted.

• Feels hurt when parents are on their phones or preoccupied during shared time.

2. Words of Affirmation

These children flourish when they receive verbal encouragement, praise, and acknowledgment. A well-timed “I’m so proud of you” or “You are so kind” can stay with them for days. Be specific in your praise with them: rather than saying “Good job,” try “I loved how you shared your toy with your friend today. That was really thoughtful.”

Clues:

• Frequently seek verbal approval (“Did I do a good job?”).

• Are especially sensitive to criticism or disappointed tones.

• Light up when you describe their qualities or affirm their effort.

3. Physical Touch

Children who prefer this language crave physical connection. They may constantly be climbing into your lap, giving spontaneous hugs, or asking to be held—even if they’re “too big” to carry. Try to incorporate playful physical interactions like piggyback rides, pillow fights, or simply snuggling during story time or movie night.

Clues:

• Often reaches out for hugs, cuddles, or high-fives.

• Finds comfort in physical closeness when upset.

• May be described as “clingy” but is really seeking reassurance and connection.

4. Receiving Gifts

This language is about thoughtful tokens of love. A child with this love language feels seen and appreciated when given something that represents care. And you don’t need to spend a dime! A hand-drawn “coupon” for a fun activity, or a note in their lunchbox, can mean the world.

Clues:

• Keeps and cherishes small gifts, drawings, or trinkets.

• Loves surprises and may frequently give handmade gifts to others.

• Gets especially excited when receiving a present, even something small.

5. Acts of Service

These kids feel loved when someone helps them in practical ways. Whether it’s tying their shoes, fixing a broken toy, or helping organize their school supplies, it communicates care. Rather than brushing off small requests, even though you know they can do it themselves, view small requests as opportunities to connect emotionally.

Clues:

• Asks for help with tasks even when they could do them alone.

• Lights up when someone takes the time to help or teach.

• Shows love by doing helpful things for others (bringing a sibling a snack, for instance).

Try This: A Drawing Activity

Want a fun way to start discovering your child’s love language? Ask your child:“Can you draw or tell me some ways parents show love to their kids?”

You might be surprised by their answers. One child may say, “They hug them,” while another may draw a parent helping with homework or bringing home a toy. These insights can be valuable clues into how your child interprets love and how you can best speak to their heart.

Being a parent means constantly observing, adjusting, and learning. As your child grows, their preferred love language might shift, or they may begin to clearly favor one. The goal isn’t to box your child into a single category, but to better understand how to connect with them in ways that resonate deeply.

Love isn’t just something we feel; it’s something we give. And the more we learn to speak our child’s language, the stronger our bond becomes.

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